I just need to rant about something. Read it or not, whatever, I just need to let it out. I think about this all the time, but I never tell it to anyone..? I guess usually thinking it sort of feels like I’ve told someone, as I used to never think about it/let my self think about it? I don’t know.
I’m just going to say right now that if you read this, I’m so sorry if it doesn’t make sense. I’m just going to say what’s on my mind and not attempt to edit it or reread it or anything, so yeah.
So I’m a freshman in high school and I just get so frustrated all the time.
The thing is, I shouldn’t really have a reason to get frustrated. I’ve set myself up for it, and now I’m stuck in this situation with no idea how to get out.
I actually started caring about my grades and trying to get good ones in… 5th grade, I think?
But I guess it really all started third trimester (we had trimesters at my middle school) of 7th grade. So the first two-thirds of the year, I got straight A’s. I’m not sure if that was because I wanted them or if I was doing it to show that I could or because I wanted to make my parents happy or if I just wanted to get straight A’s for the first time, or if I wanted to do better than my brothers (who, obviously, didn’t get straight A’s in 7th grade :P)… Anyways, third trimester was just not the best. My grades went down and I started caring less and blah, blah, blah.
Then in 8th grade (last year, for anyone lost), I got straight A’s first trimester. Second trimester I started to care less and less and less. Then third trimester came and I just totally stopped doing my homework and stopped even sort of paying attention in those classes that no one pays attention in anyways. I stopped trying. I stopped caring. I ended the year with really bad grades. I’ve never actually ended a term with an F before, because if I have one (before last tri. of 8th grade, anyway) I get it up before grades are final. Well anyway, in my U.S. History class I had an F last term. I had a C or D or something in math, I dunno, but I only had, like, 2 A’s out of all my 8(?) classes.
The only way I got through that year was by telling myself, “It doesn’t count yet. It’s not going to count for the rest of my life right now. It’s okay because it DOESN’T COUNT.”
But now what do I do? I’m still in this awful habit of not doing my homework and this year it does count. I got kinda pretty bad grades last term (quarters (4) and semesters (2) this year) and this quarter is coming to an end on Friday, so there’s not really anything I can do about my sucky grades now.
The thing is, I want to do my work, and I want to change my habits, and I want to get good grades… but my parents just bug me about it every night, and even when I say “I’m gonna do my homework tonight/right now/whenever” my step-dad just laughs, like, “right,” as does my mom. They do stuff like that all the time, and it kind of just gets on my nerves. I’ve expressed how I feel about it too, so they know I don’t like it. I mean they tease my other siblings, too, but it’s kind of gotten to the point where it’s just annoying and kind of offends me that they’ve completely given up on me the way I have in the past year or so.
I can tell they’re disappointed. My mom has actually contacted the school councilor and I’ve been in to talk to her before, but I hate it because I can tell what she’s trying to do. She’s trying to make me feel comfortable enough to talk to her about things I don’t tell my parents (or even what they think I don’t tell my parents, I dunno) and then she tries to get me to participate
in clubs and crap that I don’t care about and raise my hand in class blah, blah, blah… and I can’t stand it.
I feel so trapped inside my head sometimes because right before Christmas, there was just this day where I was so frustrated for a few hours. I seriously could not take it anymore. A lot of the time I feel like just lying face-down on the floor like a hopeless lump, so that’s what I did. My mom was a little worried I think, because I was making weird groaning noises and saying, “UUUUGGGGGHHHHHH” a lot.. :I 😛 I went and sort of hid behind the christmas tree? I don’t know why I had the sudden urge to do that, but it was kind of nice just pushing my face into the branches (it’s a fake tree, by the way) Then I sort of just laid (<–?) on the ground some more and then my mom talked about how I was so frustrated because of whatever I don’t know what she said… the same old reasons?
It was just a total mental breakdown.
It was while I was lying on the floor that I actually said to myself, “Alright, let’s find the problem here. What is actually making me so frustrated? Why am I so mad and sad all the time? Why do I not want to do my schoolwork and do well?”
So I kind of just started mulling everything over in my head. It was sort of just all the things I’ve been thinking on the surface for years but never actually letting myself think about really deep?
So it was like I was having this great childhood with my brother and sister. My dad actually passed away when I was four, so that’s had a huge impact on my life. I remember, before I moved to where I am now so my mom could marry my step-dad, catching fireflies with my brother and playing games and watching TV and playing with toys and stuff with him and my sister. I also remember having dumb sibling-fights and stuff. I actually used to go into his room and steal his stuff then hide it under my dresser… that was the first place he looked every time he thought something was missing… I never learned :’)
We had a cat, too. Kitten, actually. His name was Dice, and he was so cute! He was white with black eyes ❤ He died when he was still really young, though. 😦
I remember our neighbor used to rake our leaves for us up against the trunk of the tree and I remember my best friend and things we did together… I really miss the rainy weather and green grass there..
So that sort of happened, then I moved to where I am now. I mean, don’t get me wrong, plenty of good things have come out of moving here. I have a new best friend who is fantabulous, and I’ve made new friends since starting high school, but friends is kind of another problem (I’ll get to that in a minute).
So I moved here, and my step-siblings (there are three- six kids total in my house, plus our dog we just got 🙂 ) are nice and stuff, but there’s been so much more fighting these past 8 YEARS!!! 8 years?!??? D: Daaaaaannnnggg.
Okay, so my step-siblings spent a few years of their childhood without a mom, so that was probably hard. They didn’t have her there to teach them things, but you’d think by now they’d be at least a little better with things 😥
The two boys fight a lot over stupid boy-things 😛 (it’s always in high-pitched character voices, though O_o) which I’d be able to deal with I guess, but my step-sister is, I’m sorry, a brat. She wines and cries over the stupidest things and gets mad when people try to help her if she wants someone else to help her (sorry I don’t really know what I’m typing I’m kind of getting distracted at this point). I could go on for hours with stories of things she has done/still does that makes my life miserable. She’s just messy and in my space and doing annoying things and she copies everything I do and it’s so annoying why can’t she please just copy someone else for a little while?
I know I’m not making any sense at this point, and it doesn’t sound that bad, but I’m honestly not putting down everything that’s going through my mind right now. This is long enough as it is, even though I don’t really think anyone’s reading this now or ever will, I just need to let my thoughts out, and I don’t give a crap if they don’t make sense right now.
So. Friends. Right okay so I’ve never really had many friends because I’m kind of shy and socially awkward and ugh, and I still don’t really have that many, but I do have my one best best best friend and then like two or three friends that I know pretty well… one acquaintance who is sort of starting to become more of a friend and a friend who talks with me about YouTubers a lot… I have some more acquaintances and stuffs but I just feel lonely a lot…
I don’t really hang out with my friends outside of school anymore. I guess we’re all kind of busy will school and other stuff, but the problem is, I’m not. I don’t do my work. So I end up on the internet all day.
So at this point I’ve thought of a lot of things that have made my life sucky thus far, and I begin to think maybe the internet and fandoms and stuff made me stop caring, which could be part of the problem, but every time I try to think of why I’m doing this, I just feel like I’m missing an important part and I just can’t put my finger on it.
Ugh.
So completely unrelated to a lot of the stuff above and more related to the stuff way up above, I have a test in math and biology tomorrow, and I haven’t studies for either one. It’s almost midnight and I’ve had all day plus the weekend plus yesterday to study and of course I’ve just procrastinated.
So another thing about the original problem that I’ve mentioned about sort of not knowing what I’m doing and not caring about school and stuff…. Something that’s really been bothering me about this is that I want to change. I really don’t care about my schoolwork and crap at the moment, but I know I’m going to care later. I know one day I’m going to know what I want to do with my life, and I’m going to be sorry that I didn’t try hard in school.
I know what the consequences are going to be, and yet I keep doing whatever the heck I’m doing with myself right now and I feel like I have all these thoughts and feelings that I’ve mentioned so far and more stuck in my head and I keep them to myself and it makes me feel alone and depressed and trapped in my head and and and….
I just feel like I can’t do anything about it. I can try harder next semester. Right, okay, but what about the past two quarters? I can’t do anything about that now. Okay.
I don’t even know what I’m feeling anymore. My thoughts are kind of getting jumbled in my head right now because I’ve been typing this for a while and it’s late and the song that just came up is distracting 😛
I just feel like crying a lot? Like some days I’m just so sick of everyone being disappointed in me and yelling at me and lecturing me and talking to me (certain friends..) about things I don’t care about or don’t find funny anymore (maybe in 6th grade I did?)
Ugh I don’t know anymore. I guess that’s another thing: I feel confused a lot and all these thoughts and emotions just swirl around in my head and I keep them to myself. I know what my mom will say if I tell her certain things, know what I mean? I’ve seen her reaction to different things I’ve told her in the past, plus what I’ve hear her say to my brother when they talk, and besides, whenever I talk to my mom about things, she always ends up making me feel worse about myself. She tells me I need to change this, and I need to stop doing that, and if I could just stop being so whatever… it’s what she does to my brother as well.
I know she means well, but it really makes me feel bad about myself. I know my brother feels the same way about this because he’s actually told my mom before. I’ve never made that mistake because I know that she’s then going to get offended or say that that’s not what she said. Most of the time I guess she really doesn’t say it, but it is pretty strongly implied.
EEEEERRRRRRGGGGG
There’s a lot of other things that have happened in my life that have made an impact on it, but I think I’ve really overdone it already X3 Well as I really don’t know where to go from this point, I guess I’ll just leave it at that.
I’m terribly sorry that was so painfully long and probably boring and I’m sure you didn’t read it all the way through and that’s fine. That wasn’t even everything I’ve been thinking all these years, but that’s okay, I got a lot of stuff out and it kind of feels good knowing that maybe, maybe, maybe, at least one person will have read it. Even just that I can read it.
I’m sorry about any grammar mistakes (I know I made them).
I love all of you guys and if any of you are going through a hard time right now I’m sending good vibes your way ❤
Okay, Imma just shut up now, bye! ❤ ❤
*Insert Creative Name Here* 